


Unfinished Business

by Stakebait, thebratqueen



Series: Strange Bedfellows: Being the Unlikely Adventures of a Vampire and a Slayer [10]
Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-02
Updated: 2010-06-02
Packaged: 2017-10-09 21:25:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/91777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stakebait/pseuds/Stakebait, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebratqueen/pseuds/thebratqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spike and Buffy go to Los Angeles so Buffy can consult Faith about her newfound dark side. Meanwhile, Spike drops in on an old friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unfinished Business

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with Keren, but it won't let me say so because she doesn't have an AO3 account. (I do have her permission to post). Script format.
> 
> This is Part One of a two-episode very special crossover event with The  
> Epiphany series by The Brat Queen. To read the companion piece, Im  
> So Happy That I Cant Stop Crying, visit http://countylimerick.prohosting.com/fanfiction/buffy/  
> 

Nighttime in the Sunnydale cemetery. Buffy throws a newly arisen vampire  
over her shoulder and into a gravestone. She does a series of flips towards  
him, landing on his chest, and digs a stake into his chest, dissolving  
him to dust. She is rushed from behind by another vamp, who jumps on her  
back, causing her to drop her stake, and begins pulling at her hair. She  
grabs the vampire by her hair and throws her over her shoulder onto the  
ground. Buffy fishes around for another stake and finding none, grabs  
the vamp by the lapels, lifts her up and throws her into a low hanging  
tree branch. The branch punctures the vamps back and she explodes  
into dust as well. Buffy dusts off her hands and turns to see Spike walking  
up after having dealt with his own adversaries. Buffy walks over to him,  
her hair tousled, breathing heavily and flushed from the fight. She moves  
to him and straightens the lapel on his duster, looking up at him with  
excitement written all over her smiling face.

Buffy: That was fun.

Spike grins back.

************************************************************************  


The next day at the Magic Box, its business as usual when Buffy  
enters. She makes a beeline for Giles, barely even saying hello to Anya  
behind the counter.

Buffy: Giles, I need to talk to you.

Giles: Of course Buffy, what is it?

Buffy: In private.

He leads her into the Danger Room, which is currently housing numerous  
boxes piled on top of the training mats.

Buffy: Redecorating?

Giles: (A bit awkward) Ohermyes. Its the season for  
Kriwej Gourds. They are only available for a short time and we are expecting  
a major run on them in the next few weeks. We simply had no other place  
to put the overflow.

Buffy: No big, I guess, been doing my training on the job lately. Which  
is kinda why Im here.

Giles looks at her questioningly.

Buffy: I wanna go see Faith.

Giles: (Not expecting that at all.) You want to what?

Buffy: I want to go see Faith.

Giles: Buffy, last I heard there was no one more adamant than you that  
Faith was an incorrigible killer to be put down likewhat was it?  
Oh, yes, like a rabid dog.

Buffy: I know. And I kinda still feel that way, but I think I need to  
talk to her.

Giles: Whatever for?

Buffy: Remember that dark side I was trying to get in touch with? I think  
I found it. And it scares me. I need to know where she went wrong.

Giles: Murdering innocent people is usually a telltale sign.

Buffy: It happened way before that.

Giles: Buffy, you and Faith are two completely different people.

Buffy: We are, but not as different as Id like to think. Giles,  
were both Slayers. We were both put on this earth to slay things.  
To _kill_ things.

Giles: _Things_ Buffy, not people.

Buffy: I know! But who am I to judge whats slayable and whats  
not?

Giles: Demons _kill _people Buffy. You have to stop them.

Buffy: People kill people, I dont slay them. They get a right to  
defend themselves. And not all demons are bad.

Giles: And no one is suggesting you kill those that have demonstrated  
good intentions.

Buffy: Its kinda right there in the whole stake first ask questions  
later policy. I mean, what about Anya and Spike? Both of them were happy  
to go on killing for hundreds more years, its not like they demonstrated  
good intentions, but they had a second chance rammed down their  
throats and they dealt with it. Eventually. Still dealing really  
(She trails off for a second) Any one of those vamps I stake or demons  
I kill could be them. Who am I to decide they dont deserve a second  
chance?

Giles: So what are you planing on doing? Setting up a vampire rehabilitation  
center? Revoke your demon in ten easy steps? Or shall we just mass produce  
the chip and do a spot of nightly brain surgery in the graveyard?

Buffy: No! I just want to know what Im doing is right. _I_  
dont want to become the demon.

Giles: (Puts his arm around her.) Buffy, I hardly think you are in any  
danger of that. We are talking about creatures that kill for sport.

Buffy: I know, and sometimes it feels like thats what I do too.  


Giles: And how is talking to Faith going to do anything more than confuse  
you further?

Buffy: Maybe it wont do any good, but she knows what it feels like  
to be on the teetering point. I need to know what that is so I dont  
topple over.

Giles: If you really feel that strongly about it, then you should go.  
Ill call the Council, see if they can arrange something.

Buffy: Why do we need the council, doesnt jail have visiting hours?  


Giles: It would hardly do to have you talking on a prison phone about  
Slaying in front of a room full of policemen. Youll need more time  
and more privacy.

Buffy: (Gives him a hug.) Thanks Giles. Can you guys hold down the fort?  
Spike and I will go as soon as the Council works their magic.

Giles: Yes, certainly we (Realizing what she just said) Spike?!?  


Buffy: He has a car.

Giles: So do I. So does your mother.

Buffy: Spike offered already.

Giles: Spike knows about this?

Buffy: Well, he was kinda there when I had the revelation. (Giles starts  
to look uncomfortable, as his imagination starts to run away with him.  
Buffy notices and clears things up) In the cemetery? After patrol?

Giles: (Much relieved and cleaning his glasses) Ah, yes. Nonetheless,  
surely it would be advisable to take someone morestable? And less  
flammable.

Buffy: A. Were leaving early and coming home late  he can  
hole up somewhere while Im with Faith. B. Stable is good. Stable  
is sensible. What Im doing is not. And C. Spike is the only one  
besides Faith who gets this side of me.

Giles: (paces around a bit, and mumbles with his back turned) Thats  
what worries me.

Buffy: What? You think that a two-hour car ride and one-time jail visit  
will turn me all rogue Slayer?

Giles: (Turns back to face her) Of course not! Its justwhen  
Faith brought this side out in you, you made some unwise decisions, and  
you started to shut out your friends, your familythe things that  
keep you grounded. Since you have been spending so much time with Spike,  
Ive seen some similar troubling signs. You must admit, the two of  
them together in one day doesnt sound like a very good idea.

Buffy: I see him every night, I dont think some time stuck in traffic  
is gonna send me down the Darth Vader path. Ill be fine.

Giles: All right Buffy. Ill call the Council, but are you certain  
shell want to speak with you?

Buffy: Shes in jail. What else does she have to do?

************************************************************************  


A couple of days later, arrangements have been made, and Buffy and Spike  
are on the highway, sometime around 3 am. Buffy has a large bag of McDonalds  
between them and is eating a Big Mac.

Spike: Bleedin hell Slayer! Youre drippin special sauce  
all over my seats!

Buffy: Your seats are covered in cigarette burns and (looks questioningly  
at something on the side of Spikes seat) I dont even wanna  
know what that is!

Spike: Yeah, well, its my car.

Buffy: Yeah welltoo bad.

Spike: Brilliant comeback Slayer.

She sticks her tongue out at him and they sit in silence for a bit, Buffy  
munching on her late night snack, and Spike attempting to steal fries  
from her when shes not looking.

Buffy: What are we listening to?

Spike: Music.

Buffy: Is that what you call it?

Spike: Just did, didnt I?

Buffy: Ill take more specific for $300 please, Alex.

Spike: What is the Clash?

Buffy: Good question.

Spike: (Heavy sigh) Oh right, I forgot. The 80s are retro for you.  


Buffy: Ok, grandpa.

Spike sticks his tongue out at her.

************************************************************************  


Shortly thereafter, Buffy and Spike are in the parking lot beside the  
jail where Faith is incarcerated. It is barely an hour before dawn, and  
Buffy has been sitting unmoving and staring at the prison door while Spike  
smokes.

Spike: You goin in luv?

Buffy: Oh yeah, any second now. Brain still relaying message to feet.  
Come in feet. (She turns to Spike) Houston, we have a problem.

Spike: Nervous, pet?

Buffy: Does it show?

Spike: (Quirks a half smile) Could smell you a mile away. Fortunately,  
Faith doesnt have vampire senses.

Buffy: What if she wont talk to me?

Spike: Youll think of something, you always do.

Buffy: No, Giles always thinks of something. I always hit something.  


Spike: Also an option. Cmon Buffy, be a trooper. Go on in or your  
ride homes gonna be a small pile of dust near the gas pedal.

Buffy: (takes a deep breath) Youre right. And when youre  
right, youre right. (Starts to get out and pauses) Where do I meet  
you?

Spike: UmIll come pick you up?

Buffy: I know this is gonna take awhile, but hopefully not twelve hours.  
Where are you gonna be?

Spike: UhwellI was thinkinthought I might look  
in on

Buffy: (incredulous and amused) Youre going to see Angel, arent  
you?

Spike: No! (Off her look) Ok, yes. Nothin wrong with that, I only  


Buffy: (laughs) Go do your man thing. It wouldnt be my life if  
there werent guys trying to needlessly beat each other senseless  
over me. (Gives him a mischievous grin) In fact, Ill meet you there.  
(Puts her hand on the door handle) Wait. (She takes off her T-shirt) Take  
off your shirt.

Spike: (unashamedly staring at her chest) Not that I havent been  
dreamin about this moment, but again, small pile of ash.

Buffy: Take off your shirt.

Spike: (eagerly does so) Fuck it. What a way to go! (He tossed his cigarette  
out of the window and moves towards Buffy, stopping when she hands him  
her shirt) Whats all this then?

Buffy: Put it on. He shouldnt have shown up like that. Not on my  
turf. Now were even-steven.

Spike smiles as the beauty of this plan dawns on him.

Buffy: (leans over and kisses him before taking his shirt and putting  
it on) Have fun! (She exits the car, leaving a grinning still shirtless  
Spike in her wake)

************************************************************************  


Spike arrives at the Hyperion Hotel as the first fingers of dawn appear  
in the sky. He parks the car out front, runs up the steps buoyantly, and  
opens the front door.

Spike: "Hi Honey, I'm home!" (Steps inside and closes door  
behind him)

Angel: (instinctually grabs an axe, whirls around to meet the intruder,  
sees that its Spike, and remains in his poised stance) Spike.

Spike: (as if to say duh, speaking slowly and distinctly)  
Angel.

Angel: Leave.

Spike: (enters further and heads toward a chair -- halfway there Angel  
reaches him, grabs him by the shirt and starts to drag him towards the  
door.) Now that's not very hospitable of you, sunshine. But out of the  
evilness of myAah! Bloody hell! (Angel has thrown him out into the  
new day and his skin starts to sizzle. Angel slams the door.)

Spike: You sodding pillock! (He stands yelling at the door for a moment  
before realizing its probably still not locked. He opens it again.  
Angel has taken a few steps back towards whatever it was he was doing.  
Spike comes in again, and shuts the door) Right. The Slayer's meeting  
me here when she's done her business, mate, and she won't be best pleased  
to find her ride home's become a pile of blasted ashes while she was out.  
(He is interrupted as Angel throws the axe, which imbeds itself in the  
wall about six inches above and to the left of his ear.)

Spike: (reaches up and pulls the axe from the wall, creating a small  
shower of plaster, and hefts it in his hands) Well. That's more like it.  
Welcome the prodigal with gifts _and_ entertainment.

Angel: Spike, get the hell out of here.

Spike: Wow. Seven whole words. That a personal best?

Angel: Well hey then, let's make it eleven. Fuck you. Get out.

Spike: (counting on his fingers) In your poncy dreams, and I'd love to  
but I can't, mate. (The last two fingers are, well, two fingers, and he  
studies them a moment, noticing the happy coincidence, and then holds  
them up, pleased)

Angel: (stares at him for a long beat) I'm tired and I'm armed. What  
do you want, Spike?

Spike: (puts the axe in an umbrella stand, comes in, sit down on the  
ottoman and crosses his booted ankles) Beer'd be nice.

Angel: Yeah, it would. Why aren't you leaving again?

Spike: (heaves a put upon sigh and makes a production number of getting  
up, walking to a small fridge and pulling out two beers. He twists the  
caps off both, walks over and hands one to Angel, then sits back down.)  
Big ball of fire in the sky? You've heard of it?

Angel: (looks at beer, looks at Spike) Yeah, its the thing that  
kills annoying vampires. Why don't you go take a look? I hear it's fun.  


Spike: By comparison, yes. But I'm stuck here till the Slayer comes.  


Angel: (look on his face like he's processing a few things at once.)  
Why are you with Buffy? Why are you here? Why do I care?

Spike: (gets a slightly exaggerated dreamy look) 'Cause she's strong  
an' brave an' her(Spike brings cupped hands up to indicate breasts  
and Angel gives a sharp flick of the wrist, causing a stake to appear  
in his hand.)

Spike: Thank you Inspector Gadget.

Angel: Yeah, well, it slices, it dices, it juliennes

Spike: (sighs) She wanted to talk to Faith. So we came down. I dropped  
her off at the jail to wait for visiting hours and came here to do a little  
father-son bonding.

Angel: (turns like he's heading in a direction) Sure. I'll get the chains.  


Spike: And me without my riding crop. What's your safe word, anyway?  
"Hair gel"?

Angel: No. "Spike's here." I find that kills any mood.

Spike: (shrugs) S not what Buffy says.

Angel: (slams beer down on the counter, grabs Spike, throws him against  
the wall and holds a stake pointed inches from his chest.) Why should  
I let you live?

Spike: 'Cause you'd miss me, sunshine.

Angel: I was doin' fine before you got here, Spike. Don't really need  
you here now. But if you wanted to leave, I'd be happy to pretend I missed  
you.

Spike: Pretend I've left. Don't let me get in your way. (Spike reaches  
over the stake to pull out cigarettes from his, T-shirt pocket)

Angel: (steps back and now gesturing with the stake in his hand) I was  
doing that. I was doing that before you got here. I really liked it. Nothing  
to lose the soul over, but still. But then you showed up, instead of picking,  
gee, I dunno, any one of the thousands of bars, restaurants, hotels, and  
shopping malls in Los Angeles to stay in. 'Cause ya know, out of all those,  
I'm the one who's gonna give you a warm welcome. (Gives Spike a heavy  
eye-roll, goes back to the counter, puts the stake down and starts chugging  
his beer)

Spike: (walks over, lights the cigarette, takes a first drag and casually  
exhales in Angel's face) But where's the fun in that? Besides, this place  
has the best rate.

Angel: What makes you think I'm gonna let you stay here?

Spike: 'Cause you don't want to piss the Slayer off?

Angel: And she cares about you why again?

Spike: You'd have to ask her, mate. I'd say its a toss up between  
my classic good looks and my devastating charm.

Angel: Yeah, or maybe she just likes taking on charity cases.

Spike: (Jaw clenches, Spike gives another puff of smoke) No, 'cause she  
let _you_ leave for L.A.

Angel: If anybody's around you, Spike, it's pity. (Grabs the cigarette  
out of his hand, and puts it out) And I didn't say you could smoke here.  


Spike: Pity's your line, Mr. I Can Never Be Happy. Pity and guilt. The  
Slayer gave you her heart and you gave her Hell. She comes to me for a  
good time, and believe me, she gets it.

Angel punches Spike who falls to the ground.

Spike: (getting up) Truth hurts, doesn't it?

Angel: No, **I **hurt **you**.

Spike: Yeah. When you don't have an answer.

Angel: (flicks the other wrist and pops the other stake out.) I got my  
answer right here.

Spike: You gonna kill every boyfriend she gets? Or just the vamps?

Angel: Just you.

Spike: All right then. Tell her I love her.

************************************************************************  


Meanwhile, Buffy is in a waiting area at the prison, idly flipping through  
a magazine with a publishing date five years before she was born. She  
appears bored and nervous. Finally, a guard enters and motions for her  
to follow. She is lead to a small windowless room with cement block walls  
that surround only two chairs and a small table, where a pitcher of water  
and two glasses sit. The overhead fluorescent lights blink intermittently.  
As Buffy stands fidgeting, a door on the far side is opened, and another  
guard escorts a cuffed Faith into the room. Faith looks up, shocked to  
see Buffy standing there waiting for her, and immediately is on her guard.  


Prison guard: (to Buffy) Call us when you need us. (Leaves and shuts  
the door.)

Faith: Didnt expect to see you here B. Sunnydale gettin too  
dull for you?

Buffy: Its never dull. And no, I didnt expect to be here  
either.

Faith: I dont see any cuffs, so one of us must be here of her own  
free will. Which begs the question, why?

Buffy: (flustered and fidgety) I need to talk to you.

Faith: Now I wouldnt a thought wed be on terms for a heart  
to heart.

Buffy: (even more fidgety) I need to know...I need you to... (Takes a  
deep breath)

Faith: What could you possibly need from me? Youre the teachers  
pet. Im the kid who gets expelled for blowin up the school.  
Oh wait, that was you too.

Buffy: That! Thats what I need.

Faith: Sarcasm?

Buffy: No. I need you to tell me what its like to be bad.

Faith: Tried to, but you werent listenin.

Buffy: Im listening now.

Faith: Yeah well, its not the great career move I thought it was.  
Food sucks, but the clothing is worse. Why do you care?

Buffy: Because I dont wanna end up like this.

Faith: Whats the matter B, not so sure youre the good girl  
without me around to be your wicked stepsister?

Buffy: No, Im starting to feel like the wicked stepsister all on  
my own.

Faith: (sharp laugh) Now isnt this a quirky twist of fate? Heres  
me, takin the high road for once while youre down in the sewers.  


Buffy: Thats not it!

Faith: No? What is it then? Scared yourself didnt you? Whatd  
you do, jump Xander? Or Giles?

Buffy: (incredibly incensed) No! Eeew! No! Faith, I... (Visibly calms  
herself) I didnt come here to fight with you.

Faith: (takes a chair, spins it backwards and sits with her cuffed wrists  
draped over the top) So why did you come here?

Buffy: (sinks into the other chair) Remember when you said that thing  
about knowing what youre about because I have it in me too?

Faith: And see how well that worked out. Apparently I was wrong. So heres  
me on the Stairmaster to redemption.

Buffy: But you were right.

Faith gives her an incredulous look.

Buffy: You were  its in me. No the whole murdering innocent  
people bit. Not yet. Not ever hopefully. I need to know where you crossed  
the line.

Faith: (mirthless laugh) You were right there B.

Buffy: No I wasnt, but maybe I should have been. You didnt  
cross the line when you staked the deputy mayor. That was an accident.  


Faith: So you want me to pinpoint the exact moment my brain told me to  
go evil? I dont know  its not like that.  
You dont wake up one morning and think; today Ill wear the  
red pants, grab a bagel and join the dark side.

Buffy: So explain it to me.

Faith: Explain what? You wanna hear how my mom was a drunk that never  
paid any attention to me?

Buffy: If thats why, then yes.

Faith: There is no why. Shit happens, you know.

Buffy: You made it happen.

Faith: Yeah, I did. Look B, (leans forward) you do what you gotta do.  
You make one choice and you see where it takes you. Get to the end of  
the line and you make another. You gotta look out for yourself anyway  
you can cause no one else is gonna do it for you.

Buffy: You had people willing to help you. You didnt have to go  
it alone.

Faith: I know that now, but it wouldnt have made a difference.  
In the end, youre always alone.

Buffy: I know what you mean.

Faith: (snorts) But youre not. You still have team Sunnydale, the  
happy little Slayer support group.

Buffy: Not so happy and not so supportive of the late.

Faith: Oooh! Dissention in the ranks? Whats you do, fail English?  


Buffy: (very small voice) Spike.

Faith: Spike...Spike... (Realization blooms) Good job B! Hes a  
hotty. Thought Angel was a one-time thing, didnt realize this was  
your fetish!

Buffy: (blushing) Its not like that! Well, not exactly. Look, this  
isnt the point.

Faith: Oh, but I think it is. Level with me B, howd it happen?  
Two of you, late at night, a little hand to hand...to hand. Goin  
at it hot and heavy, get him down and then...get down...

Buffy: No...It really involves more poems and bad pants and there was  
a horse...

Faith: Kinky.

Buffy: (blushes and even deeper shade of red) Again, no. More like psycho  
crush on Slayer.

Faith: (coyly) Now isnt that interesting.

Buffy: I know... (Notices Faiths look) Whats that look for?  


Faith: Do you really wanna hear this?

Buffy: Probably not, but something tells me I should.

************************************************************************  


Back at the Hyperion...

Angel: (angry and exasperated) What the fuck is with you Spike? What's  
the scheme here, huh? You've been goin' at this for months now and you  
know what? I'm bored. So whatever it is, lets just get it over with, cause  
I got enough to deal with.

Spike: (blankly) Months? I grant you this conversation_ feels _like  
its been going on forever, but I just got here.

Angel: This whole scheme with Buffy, Spike. What's the goal?

Spike: Dating. Sex. Love. Yknow, holding hands in public and making  
Xander sick to his stomach?

Angel: Why Buffy, Spike?

Spike: 'Cause I love her. We did that bit.

Angel: (tosses the stake in his hand onto the counter with contempt grabs  
the beer and walks away) You don't even know what love is.

Spike: (picks up stake from counter, rushes Angel and tackles him to  
the ground) Don't you bloody tell me about love, Angel. You left her.  


Angel: (leads with his elbow to get Spike off his back, and then, knocking  
the stake out of his hand, rolls over and pins Spike by the neck. He growls,  
a faint hint of yellow showing in his eyes) Yeah. I did. And if you loved  
her, you would too.

Spike: (growls right back.) What? Runnin' off when things turn ugly is  
how you treat someone you love? I shoulda known.

Angel: (grip around Spike's throat tightens) You don't know anything.  


Spike: (gazes up at Angel steadily) I know I'll fight for her and I'll  
die for her and I won't fucking leave her alone.

Angel: She doesn't need you.

Spike: She needs someone. And I'm all she's got.

Angel: Got the whole gang of Scoobies, Spike. She doesn't need you.

Spike: Then what the bleedin' hell am _I_ doin' here, huh? See any  
Scoobies?

Angel: I don't fucking care. She's lived without you before; she can  
do it again.

Spike: For how long?

Angel: (confused) What?

Spike: How long. How long would she live without me to guard her back  
when she takes on the sodding vamp hordes?

Angel: (in a tone of where do I even begin) Yeah. 'Cause if there's one  
thing a Vampire Slayer needs, its a vampire to help her.

Spike: Super strength, rapid-healing powers, insight into the enemy  
mindset. And a partner who can supply the occasional quip.

Angel: (pulls Spike up just a bit by the throat and slams Spike's head  
back down to the floor before standing up) _Leave_ her, Spike.

Spike: (stands, hops up onto the counter and makes himself comfortable)  
Promised I wouldn't.

Angel: Break it.

Spike: Die first.

Angel: Happy to help.

Spike: Why? I'm helping her, you moron!

Angel: You're a _vampire_, Spike. You can't help anybody. (With  
contempt) Just yourself.

Spike: (like a tourist who believes foreigners will understand English  
if you just say it slow and loud enough) Yes. Me vampire. You vampire.  
You help people. It's on your bloody business cards. Me help Slayer. Slayer  
hit things. Vampires, surprisingly, quite good at violence. If the Slayer  
ever decides to hand out Bibles, then no, probably not so much an asset  
to the bleedin' team.

Angel: (unconvinced) So what, you get this chip thing in your head  
and now you're one of the good guys?

Spike: 'Course not. I help the Slayer. What's good got to do with anything?  


Angel: (puts a hand to his head like he's getting a headache) Why didn't  
I kill you in 1884?

Spike: (the most obvious thing, we've been through this) 'Cause Dru threatened  
to cut up all your poncy clothes.

Angel: Oh, yeah, there was a good decision. Let you live, or have a shopping  
spree. (He shakes his head like he can't believe which one he picked)  


Spike: Yeah, well. We had to get out of town in a bit of a hurry, and  
Nancy boy you didn't fancy roughing it till we got to Madrid.

Angel: I don't like sleeping in graveyards!

Spike: Oh, no, you'd rather pay a bloody fortune for a room with a view.  
Which you can't see cause its dark out!

Angel: _Darla_ liked the view andshut up!

Spike: Oh that's witty repartee. Oscar Wilde's got nothin' on you. 'Cept  
for the clothes maybe.

Angel: No, _shut up_! (Holds hand up while trying to listen)

The door bursts open and a gang of humans and various demons rush in.  
Spike hops off the counter waiting for the action to begin.

Minion: Get him!

They rush towards the two vampires, and since neither knows who the "him"  
is, they both jump into the fray. Angel grabs his axe and immediately  
heads for the largest demon, hacking at him with the blade. The demon  
grabs the haft, and being much stronger than Angel had anticipated, manages  
to yank it from Angel's grip and send him flying across the room.

Spike meanwhile has two smaller demons holding onto each of his arms.  
He spins, sending one into the counter he had been sitting on, causing  
it to crack its nose against the Formica, and a spout of green goo, presumably  
blood, stains the countertop. As that demon slumps to the ground, Spike  
is torn away by the other and thrown across the lobby into the wall, where  
he himself slides to the floor, but only momentarily, as he hops up, ready  
for the next onslaught.

Angel at this point has regained his footing, and is in stance as two  
of the humans approach him holding crosses. He kicks out in an arc, disarming  
one of his holy symbol, and cracking the other in his head as his kick  
follows through. He then grabs their heads and clangs them together, dropping  
the two unconscious men to the ground. Spike on the other hand, is not  
having much luck with his human aggressors. Three have dogpiled on him  
and each time he attempts to wrench one off of him, he almost collapses  
under the unbearable pain of the shocking implant. As he is off balance,  
a demon holding an air rifle comes up behind him and fires a tranquilizer  
dart into his thigh. Spike snarls, wobbles, and goes to throw a punch,  
but the momentum takes him down to the ground where he remains, unconscious.

Angel whirls after taking down another two humans to see Spike on the  
ground, with a few minions wrapping him in blankets. As he lunges towards  
them, a second tranquilizer dart catches him between the shoulder blades.  
He goes to vamp face and turns toward the shooter, assuming it is a regular  
bullet, but falls at the demons feet, unconscious as well.

************************************************************************

Back at the prison...

Buffy: You said what!?!?!?! You were in my _body_ and not only slept  
with my boyfriend, but you said _that_ to Spike!! How could you?  
(Starts spluttering) He...(breaks down and starts laughing) his face must  
have been priceless!

Faith: (starts to laugh with her) You cant even imagine.

Buffy: How do you come up with this stuff?

Faith: (shrugs) Natural talent, I guess. You want me to give you some  
tips? Looks like this Spike gets off on the dirty talk.

Buffy: (considers for a second and catches herself) Thats not the  
advice I came for. But thanks for asking.

Faith: Not that Im not loving the gossip, but where are we going  
here?

Buffy: I dont know.

Faith: Conversation over then. Cant help you get where youre  
going if you have no destination in mind.

Buffy: I dont know where I should be going, but I know where I  
dont wanna be.

Faith: Jail?

Buffy: There is that. It used to be so easy...well no, it used to be  
really hard and painful, but it used to be simple. Vampire bad, Buffy  
good. Buffy kill vampire. End of story.

Faith: Still the job description, unless I missed a memo.

Buffy: Job description still intact. Actual job not so clear. Who am  
I to decide whats good and whats bad?

Faith: The Slayer, last I checked.

Buffy: That doesnt mean anything! It means I have the strength  
and speed to kill really big, fast...things. It doesnt tell me how  
to decide which ones deserve to die.

Faith: Kill em all, let god sort em out.

Buffy: But what if they couldve changed?

Faith: Not seein a lot of vamps turnin vegetarian.

Buffy: But Spike, Angel.

Faith: Angel had that forced on him. He would still be Angelus if he  
had had a choice. As for Spike, dont know his full story, but my  
guess is he didnt walk up and ask to be neutered. Theyd never  
have taken this road willingly.

Buffy: Neither would you.

Faith: I...

Buffy: But youre on that road now, thats the point. You didnt  
deserve a second chance, but you got one. Who am I to say they cant?  


Faith: Somebody has to.

Buffy: And that somebodys me?

Faith: Until someone better comes along. Look B, much as Im not  
lovin the company and the spacious accommodations, I needed to be  
here.

Buffy: But you turned yourself in.

Faith: And if I hadnt, you would have killed me. You would have  
made that call.

Buffy: But how do I know if Im right?

Faith: You dont. I told you, you make a choice; you see where it  
takes you. Thing is, when you get there, you gotta keep your eyes open  
and deal with the consequences.

Buffy: Dealing, dealing is good. Dealing is scary.

Faith: Welcome to my world. But not dealing ends up scarier. You take  
the bad shit, shove it in that closet in the back of your head and pretend  
it never happened and then one day you go to get your bowling ball and  
it all comes crashing down.

Buffy: Bowling ball?

Faith: Visualize, B. So what is it youve been trying to put into  
storage?

Buffy: Member the whole hot and bothered grunting bit?

Faith nods.

Buffy: It terrifies me. I shouldnt enjoy it. I shouldnt...  


Faith: Get off on it?

Buffy: Yeah, that.

Faith: Why the hell not?

Buffy: Because its gross!

Faith: Grow up Buffy.

Buffy: But how can I trust myself knowing that? How can I know if Im  
doing it for the right reasons?

Faith: How many people actually get to enjoy their job? Go with it.

Buffy: But isnt that where you went wrong? "Want, take, have"  
became "steal, maim, kill."

Faith: I did it because I could. Youve always been about saving  
the underdog. So what if it excites you? As long as youre goin  
the right way, why not enjoy the trip? Youve always been strong.  
Be yourself and youll be fine.

Buffy: (teary-eyed) Thank you. (Goes over and smoothes back Faiths  
hair.)

Faith: (embarrassed and moved, but shakes her hair into her face to cover  
it) Hey yeah, no problem. Look at me, Watchers Council scared straight  
program.

Buffy: (Makes eye contact) You gonna be ok?

Faith: (gives a brave smile) Five by five B.

Buffy: (smiles back) What does that even mean?

************************************************************************  


A little while later, a taxi pulls up to the Hyperion, where Buffy exits  
and pays the driver. She sees Spikes De Soto parked out front and  
smiles, surprised and amused that Angel hasnt kicked him out. She  
opens the slightly ajar door.

Buffy: Angel? Spike? Anybody home?

She enters to find the room in complete disarray and obvious signs of  
a struggle. She leans down and picks up Spikes cell phone off the  
floor and looks around her very worried.

Buffy: What the...?

**Author's Note:**

> The episode is also lovingly referred to as "Ha!"
> 
> Disclaimer: These characters arent ours. We just like to play with  
> them. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, WB, UPN and any other  
> copyright holders. Big Mac and McDonalds are registered trademarks  
> of the McDonald's Corporation. It slices it dices was  
> the slogan of Ron Popiels Veg-o-Matic. The Clash recorded too many  
> albums to name here, the most recent of which is From Here to Eternity,  
> 1999 Sony Records. Inspector Gadget was produced by DiC Entertainment  
> and distributed by LBS Communications and aired from 1983-1985.


End file.
